I have quite a pile of regrets to look back on from the past 2 decades of my life. But I don’t say that to gather pity from you. That’s how life works and I’ve moved on from those experiences. We have to! But there’s this major regret that I feel is still heavy on my heart.
Here’s my #1 regret….
It’s that one time I gave up on my dream of being an acrylic painter to be a dancer.
Let me explain the story. When I was younger, I loved the arts. I wanted to be an art teacher because I loved painting and creating and bringing to life an image that was in my head.
But somehow in middle school, I decided that it wasn’t “cool” to stay at home to play Sims 2 (I loved designing homes and became so obsessed with it lol). I decided that it wasn’t cool to invest my time into painting. I thought it wasn’t cool to win art shows year after year.
So in 8th grade, I joined the dance team. And on a side note, dance helped me develop some amazing skills like teamwork and dedication and looking back at it, I’m grateful that I did it. But as an 8th grader, I wanted to dance because I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be perceived as a “popular” dancer. I wanted to be noticed and important. It was the quickest way for me to get to that ideal image of myself.
But through that, I gave up my creativity. I gave up my love for the arts and that went on for years and years. I started to chase titles and recognition and awards. I chased an image of someone that I was really not. I didn’t allow time for myself to simply rest and just BE.
That is the story that I lived until my Junior year of college (literally last year). During that year, I started writing again. I started baking and cooking and trying out new recipes. I stopped glamorizing busy and overscheduled. I freed up my time so that I could try out new ideas. I did my best to stop caring about what others thought. I just put my head down and did work that made me actually excited and happy. And to my surprise, staying true to myself and taking that leap of faith has allowed me to attract opportunities and people who are aligned with what I truly stand for. I get comments saying that “I’m inspiring and motivational” and it makes me want to cry even writing this, but it’s truly THE best compliment in the world. Because all that I’m doing is being myself. I’m just Bella, the person who expresses her thoughts and crazy ideas. It’s a surreal feeling.
I would rather have 10 people like the REAL me, than a million applauding me for sticking to a status quo or certain image of success.
So my biggest regret was allowing myself to believe that success is only a certain way. That success is only one path. That I had to have titles and trophies. But now I know that it’s multifaceted. Success to me is being able to authentically express myself. It’s going to bed at night and feeling that I contributed to the world as best as I could. It’s showing up for the people that matter.
But without experiencing my now “biggest regret”, I wouldn’t have realized that. And so my biggest regret somehow is also my biggest blessing and lesson.
Lotsa love,
Bella
